


If It Wasn't For You

by charmed4fiction



Series: Shape of My Heart [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-22 12:02:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9606776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmed4fiction/pseuds/charmed4fiction
Summary: Chronicling Sarah's daily journal notes and texts she sent to her "you" whom she referred to Sam as. She always called him, "you''.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Actual text sent to Sam.

Dated November 29

For someone who overthinks everything I wish I hadn't started to be a little curious. And maybe that's just it; I'm always curious. Here's the thing, and honestly I'm generally not attracted to anyone, except characters that dance across the pages of books. My one true love is Roy Mustang and I think (I know) I can swing both ways if ever there was someone out there that I found irresistible. Clarification I don't find anyone irresistible and I'm by all no means attracted to anyone, except fictional characters and with you; it is curiosity. A lot of it which necessarily doesn't count as an attraction. It is curiosity- lately- perhaps for a long time- specific time, need to know- I'm freaking asexual!

I looked at you and try to figure out (why?)- and I don't think it's a matter of why- it's purely based on how you've managed to make me feel. Can you stop making me feel this way? Making me smile, taking extra long glances your way or more or less and often enough wanting to be near you.

Can you tell me more about yourself, just to appease my insane curiosity? Maybe if you do this then it will halt those annoying thoughts from getting too close to the surface and then I can go back to think of you as "my whatever" (we never really put into context just who you are to me) who I have too much in common with and adore and I won't think about stuff- Stuff that I'll never ever let known. Stuff that sounds good in my head.

Now I will go and self-deprecate and not think about 'stuff'.


	2. Obsession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sarah chronicles her daily battle trying to figure out what "you" means to her.

 

(Sarah and Sam have been sharing messages with each other over Snapchat and text message from the previous year. Sarah, she sent Sam a text during the month of November because she was curious about him, about how he felt about her. The text eventually spiral out of control and both Sarah and Sam started sharing what they would like to do to the other. I will get to the beginnings of Sam and Sarah relationship, but as for now I'm trying to filter through my (Sarah's) journal entries and the few saved messages that were exchanged with Sam)

 

**_ Feb 07 - Journal Entry _ **

It's confusing as fuck as Sarah sits down and try not think about "you" and fails. She reads through all the text messages she'd saved (for future reference) and try to compile her writings into something that is worth reading, to say the least. 'You" - Sam was the one to suggest she upload the letter she wrote to him.

It's been two days since she's texted him and she's resigned herself to not call him or text him, fuck she's not even going to go over this week by his home, which is a weekly occurrence. She thinks about their weekly lunch plans and if she's letting go then having lunch with him will be a hindrance to the path of moving on.

 

**_November 28- Journal Entry_ **

_I can't stop thinking about you. I wish I could. What the fuck have you done to me? You haven't done anything._

_For heaven's sake 'Sarah' he hasn't done anything. It's just your inane ability to obsess over a particular thing like how you obsess over Roy daily and obsess over Captain Hook and just about anything that ignites the fire in the deep part of your soul. For all, you know he could be another obsession or conceivably it is the idea of an obsession that has been tethering closer to being an all out obsession._

_That's just a loaded bunch of whatever- He's not an obsession. He doesn't know this but perhaps in another time or place you two are kindred spirits and you've dallied with the idea of 'what if' numerous times before now and before EDC._

_Admit it to yourself. You smile whenever you think about one particular thing you have in common and maybe you could by chance- admit-that-you've thought about him in. . ._

_Let's not have those thoughts confounding an already tricky situation._

_I know you believe that he's done something unknowingly and the result is you wanting to talk to him more and more and think about him even more. You've tried not to think about him; unsuccessful._

** _Update_ **  
** _November 29_ **

_It would seem that Sarah can control her thoughts about not wanting to see Sam as she thinks seeing him will result in an unlikely outcome of her devouring him. She has marginally controlled her thoughts about not wanting to hear his voice;_ _unsuccessful because she was a flailing mess today with giddiness as she spoke with him and couldn't string together a complete thought. But one thing that remains sure is that she cannot control her actual minute by minute thoughts when it comes to_ _thinking about him._ _What does she do now? Sam did mention that whatever this thing is that it should end and the two should remain friends. Can she really look at him again and think friends when she has already written all that she has-_ _She thinks 'just let it go and go back to obsessing about Roy and Ed and finish the last two chapters of her fanfic.'_ _She gets pleasure from Roy and Ed. Perhaps too much. Maybe she can log in to Tumblr and dive right into FMA and forget that she keeps coming apart at the thought of Sam. . ._

 _It has been over a week since Sarah reblogged anything on Tumblr, read a really good manga or a smutty fanfic and maybe the pent of tension that's been coiling inside her can finally find its release._ _Sarah was perfectly fine just thinking about 'you' occasionally and now not so much._

_Sarah admits that she's more herself with Sam and any interactions with him make her smile._

** _Snap Message exchange sent to Sam_ **

W _e should maybe get this straight. If we start talking every night and day I'm obviously going to get attached to you. Even if I never planned to— it's happening. When I send you that first text, I hesitated and then rationalize and then hesitated and rationalize some more and then I was 'what the' there is no turning back once you hit the send button because 'what if' you completely mess up whatever the fuck you had before and be logical he's your fucking 'you know' and again you can't take back anything. Absolutely no take backs._

_Confession I actually don't know what it's like to be in love, or at least I use to believe that I was and relatively I shouldn't even think that way, but it is a fact. I haven't been "reduce to that state of being affected by an affair of heart for someone" with 'you know who' from like forever or anyone matter of factly._

_I treasure the person I'm with dearly, I'm fond of them and despite the remove equation of 'love' I truly do appreciate them. They are really good and kind. And I'll be with them as long as humanly possible or until my patience have been snuffed out. It verges on snuffing out a lot._


	3. Emails

_ Email sent to Sam _

(This is the exact content Sarah wrote, the pretext of the contents are in response to texting) Also, side note Sarah refers to this thing with Sam as 'whatever'. Because she still hasn't a clue what they are doing.

If it appears scattered — I will get to an actual story outlining Sarah and Sam relationship. Their relationship is really something or least from Sarah's perspective. Sam is really like her best friend. She hopes with all heart for Sam to be her best friend because no one gets her as he does and they have so much in common it's ridiculous. Sam is easy to converse with and he doesn't judge.

**December 7 - Sarah sent this email to Sam (Sam mentioned that Sarah is getting attached to him.**

You read this,

I don't think so about the attachment. For me at least; nothing. I hope that doesn't sound disparaging or cold, but it is the truth, undiluted and unfiltered. I was proposing the idea of what if I sink myself further into 'whatever' but I tried to remember what an attachment felt like and I could not bring forward any kind of emotion to support the 'idea'. Maybe I've been cold hearted for too long, and not that I expect to be thawed because of the fleeting fires that is swirling inside me, I don't plan on doing that— getting thawed-ever- I like myself to be unencumbered with such frivolities.

It's reassuring that you, "to be honest no" even though, honesty over here, my ego may have been slight, a minuscule, been prodded by the words. I guess that is human nature, nonetheless, it is a reassurance that anything resembling 'emotions' are searched thoroughly at the front door. I don't need them, you don't need them, I think.

I don't know, this is a tricky thing. I think the quench have been somewhat fulfilled, immensely, but maybe getting a drink or taste was— yeah fulfilled. I don't think for you, though. It's disturbing and I'm not settling until you've also been fulfilled— satisfied.

Thoughts are greatly appreciated.

 

** Sam's response to Sarah's email **

That was quite a read. I'm honestly not looking for a relationship than what we already have before all this. I hate to sound blunt, but I don't really want this to go any further than maybe sex If that's what you want. I'm all about giving since I don't feel really confident that I deserve any more. Whatever I can do to help you out let me know, whether that's just hanging out, a hug, or someone to talk to. I think talking every day is kind of awkward. I'm really sorry if I'm breaking any expectations that you had of me. You told me, to be honest, and that's how I feel. I hope that we can go back to normal.

 

**Sarah's response (She is really angry at Sam- many uses of the anger emoji were used)**

I think I should be like this, (angry emoji) that way I can be firm with myself. Yep, that's doing it.  
I was going to say the same thing. I'm done. Thank you very much. Anger is good, the thing is it's not doing anything. I don't want a relationship with you either. I don't want that at all. Maybe being angry is the way to go. Yep, I'm going to take that road. Sorry! Back to normal. Back to the before. I don't want anything more from you...you were right from before, this should have never progressed.

WTF was I thinking.

Done. I will be silent henceforth.

My last parting words.

** Another email sent to Sam following the previous one because Sarah has too many words and Sam he doesn't— **

I thought anger was the way to nip everything in the bud, but I've taken to hysterics. You are cold, just so you know, freaking dipping in the minus degrees and I'm colder. I didn't realize it that I was this freaking unperturbed, but hey thank you for that and it just cemented, shackled my cold heartless heart even more. I can't stop laughing at the absurdity of my hysterics. Sorry for everything really. I thought I was going silent, but I guess this is it. I will be the silent one.

So long you...

Normal, back to normal I don't think so my naughty one.

Another parting farewell; your naughty/glorious fingers will be greatly mourned. Ha!

But seriously, I'm trying to be, normal will never look the same or it may. Who am I to judge what normal is?!


End file.
